As you have probably gathered from the title of this post (as well as me pretty much always going on about it on Twitter), I am going to university soon. Like, really soon. Just over a week soon.
I am a bit worried. Excited, but worried.
It's probably the biggest period of change in my life so far, and I do not like change. I feel so unequipped for this. I feel so unprepared. Even though it's been on my mind for pretty much the past two years, it hasn't really registered that this is a real thing that I am really going to do until now, and the thought of it just terrifies me.
I know that it will probably be fine, and that I will probably be okay, but that doesn't change the fact that I am so incredibly anxious about so many things regarding university and my life and just the future in general. Like, I am an actual legal adult now. When the hell did that happen? Who allowed that to even happen?! It seems like a really poor decision to me.
It's just going to be so weird, going to a new place, surrounded by strangers. I haven't had to make new friends for YEARS. I think I've forgotten how to do it. I'm not used to being around people who don't already know what I'm and who sort of get me and like me any way, and it's going to be hard for the first few weeks for sure. I know that everyone is in the same boat and blah blah blah, but it's still going to tricky and as much as I joke about it, I hope I don't just hermit myself away because that will just not be fun.
And that's the other thing. It's so far outside of my comfort zone! I don't want people to think I'm boring, but at the same time I don't like parties or clubs or getting majorly drunk, and the thought of having to do that the same week as doing something as big as moving out makes me really anxious. And I know I don't have to do Fresher's and all that, but I don't want people to think I'm some boring hermit or that I'm some pretentious douche who looks down on people who do like partying or whatever. I hate having to put myself out there, but I'm going to have to suck it up and actually have some initiative and make decisions and be an 'adult' or whatever instead of holing myself up in my room while I wait for someone else to choose for me, or just do whatever my friends do. It's just stressing me out a lot. Being sociable and coming across as a normal person and interacting with people and forming positive relationships with people and making friends with them and living with people and just. Stress.
I also just feel like there are so many expectations about university. Your whole life it gets built up as this kind of ultimate educational goal, as well as the point in your life when you grow as a person or whatever and you're also meant to have a great time and party loads and get a 1st and make loads of lifelong important friends and pressure, much?! I just want to pass my course and make it out alive. I'm really just trying to keep my expectations low a) in case it turns out that I am actually terrible at my subject and my whole education up to this point has been a lie and that everything I know is trash and I will fail, or b) so that I may actually be pleasantly surprised if it's all fine just fine.
AND THERE WILL BE NO CATS. WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO WITHOUT CATS? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT ADORABLE KITTY CUDDLE BUDDIES THIS IS GENUINELY ONE OF THE THINGS DISTRESSING ME MOST ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION.
So. University is a thing that I am going to do. Oh god.